Hello, young one. We meet again.

Earlier yesterday, I was feeling okay. Then a jogging session later that day have brought me back my senses. The senses I had some 15 years ago, back when I was a child. Carefree, playful, all-smiles all day, no one could stop me.

My first ever music album. Thanks momy.
Probably the reason why I love singing.

That jogging exercise, which I decided to do within the subdivision instead of going to Marikina Sports Center, brought me back my old legs. I had walking as my warm-up. It felt like som
e sort of "What am I
doing this for?" thing which I had sort of felt a few times recently. I am so glad it wasn't. Few meters were the few familiar roads I always walked on as my old self when I have to buy 'our' favorite chocolate crinkles from that wonder bread shop. Few roads more, it started to sink in. A past. An old self. The old soul I used to have. It was imprinted in my memories I thought I'd never have again. I never thought I would feel bliss just by walking on subdivision roads with countries as street names. Some houses were lousy, few okay, very few were fabulous. I don't mind. I also came across the house of a very old crush.I was hoping someone comes out of the gate though. No one came out. Anyway, it was all houses and streets and busy people. It was Saturday night and no one wanted to go to bed at 8. I was starting to feel my body become more welcoming to the thought of sweating out. That feeling and the walking around the subdivision, those are the exact things I most often have as a child. It just poured it all at once. It was a memory flood, I was drowning in it. I thought that car would bump me but of course I had a beautiful sense of surroundings. i was alive.


I never felt more alive. (yeees, dramaaaa..)



The feeling was very old and I felt it again. It was a feeling of emancipation.


The feeling was fucking 15 years old.

Aratiles. Childhood fruit.

And I don't even care about giving the exact years as I write right now. It was the best thing in years. I saw myself, I thought I'd cry. I never saw myself this way since I started falling out.. It was a dreadful journey in UP. I had the most unwanted trauma that people, even
my friends, are tired of hearing. Things that I wouldn't want to recall. Those things that made me numb. Stupid. Weak. Scared. People laughed at me. I had to pretend I was strong and something else to survive the world I was in. I wasn't even sure why I'm still there. Fuck society. At least I got something to do, and so I did. All these feelings I have, by the way, are being hyped up because of me finishing school at last...well, not yet officially. But my partner and I had our adviser sign our thesis and that means it's done and ready for binding. Thesis is the hardest and final wave in undergraduate degree and finishing it is like winning my first ever quiz bee. Yes, emotional level is at high during these moments. I thought I was only gonna burn some fats last night.

The Book of How and Why - the reason why I love Science.

Down the streets of Korea, Finland, Japan, Israel, Soliven, Senegal, and Morocco, to name a few, were my favorite playgrounds. When I was in high school, I was always confused why I had the athletic energy. I never understood why I got into the volleyball team and the dance group during my final high school year. It was a stupid thing not to understand and it became clear just now. I was a very playful boy. I was VERY playful. I skip, I jump, I even do ball-changes (it's a dance move) when I'm supposed to be just walking. It was like Fred Astaire, only he was in a movie and I wasn't. 25 years old and I just understood the reasons why I took the decisions I had back in high school.



It took me this long. But now I wonder...


Was I really an insensitive person?



I never knew. What I am sure of now is this: I never came back. I never did. I thought I'd become new by only looking forward. The thought of the whole picture is an extravaganza. Everything was colorful to my eyes. I wanted to be a doctor, a scientist, a pilot, a business man. I wanted to be the owner of that mansion we know we will never have but still prayed for it. I also prayed that God will give me magic powers for Christmas. I wanted to have the gift of flying. I wanted to fly. I wanted to teleport too! Oh, my childhood. I wanted to be everything! I was a candle that, instead of burning out, keeps on getting bigger and brighter. It was overwhelming but I never stopped. I never stopped and I took some things for granted too. I'm not sure of those things but what I do know is I had a weakness I had to bear. It's a weak point that broke me. I was a child and a child at heart. Life wasn't fair at all, as expected. My friends think I am just fucking it up by over-thinking. I would say they were right and I'd also say I would like to make them try and walk m
y pair of shoes. I would cut this part short. Big people in my life. Me is sick. Big pills. Hard to swallow. Big people in my life. Big pills. Putangina. Bye.

If these were my pair of Beach Walks, they'd be
more worn-out and probably have holes or something..

Oh take me somewhere back to your generation.

The joy I felt will never be the same. I came back and no one saw what I looked like, jogging at 9pm. I found myself in Greenheights Subdivision and I came back and felt the muscle twitching. I was smiling like a 7 year old. | Erick